moodymoodvol2:

thinking about dee trying to impress barbara a lot lately. dee primping and plucking and tanning for weeks for those pageants where she would prove once and for all that she wasn’t ugly, dee winning and putting on that psychotic, wide, winning smile and going home to tell barbara because of course she wouldn’t sit and watch and being met with indifference. 

dee going through her same old pageant routine before prom, trying to prove that she wasn’t ugly one last time, that she was better than dennis, or even came close. dee booking her hair appointments months in advance and then not being able to fit her dress over her goddamn back brace and barbara screaming at her in an alcohol induced fit of rage about her being fat, her being worthless and having to lock herself in her room just to get away, and crying and crying her throat raw and her face being blotchy for days afterwards and dennis and frank walking on fucking eggshells around her. 

dee going away to college and that constant pressure sticking with her, instilled in her forever by her mother and eating nothing but rice cakes for weeks and watching exercise tapes just to stay skinny and to meet her mother’s expectations that could never be met. dee burning her college roommate to the ground because it doesn’t matter, she’ll never be as pretty as her and she’ll never ever be what her mother wants her to be. 

barbara coming back to visit her at paddy’s and she’s just reminded of those old dances they used to do around each other, her mother knowing exactly where to push to torment her. 

frank rejoicing when barbara died and dee rejoicing along with him, it didn’t fucking matter if she hated him because she hated barbara more and so did frank and so they drank malibu until they passed out and it still didn’t matter. dee smearing makeup on her eyes every day for years afterwards because she could never escape her, not even after she was dead. 

dee finally allowing herself to eat what she wanted a few years after barbara died, and discovering that it wasn’t the end of the world if she didn’t do dennis’ diets along with him. dee seeing dennis wither away, seeing barbara in him and feeling so hopeless because she couldn’t stop him. dee becoming numb to the ways that dennis tried to manipulate her, those same ways barbara always did. dee.